


Baby, It's Hot Inside

by gonnaflynow



Series: Eruri Week 2013 [5]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Stripper/Exotic Dancer, Christmas, Eruri Week, M/M, Strip Tease, Stripper AU, eruri - Freeform, how is it even remotely possible for Erwin to be sexy while wearing an elf costume, lap dance, the world may never know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-27
Updated: 2013-12-27
Packaged: 2018-01-06 08:37:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1104731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gonnaflynow/pseuds/gonnaflynow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mike and Hanji decide to hire a stripper for Levi's birthday.<br/><i>Plot twist:</i> The stripper comes to Levi's house dressed in a sexy elf costume.<br/><i>Plot twist:</i> The stripper is Erwin.</p><p>Levi has the weirdest boner right now.</p><p>Day Five - Christmas / Happy Birthday, Levi!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Baby, It's Hot Inside

"You two cannot be serious."

Mike sniffed. Hanji's face began to turn red from holding in a fit of giggles.

"You hired a stripper. For my birthday."

"We thought it would liven up the holidays!" Hanji exclaimed, elbowing Mike in the gut. He nodded along, shooting Hanji his best pacifying glare.

"And you thought this would be an appropriate gift _why…_?" 

Hanji and Mike were both at a loss for that one.

Levi sighed in defeat, running a hand over his face. "Alright, can you at least tell me when to expect them here?"

Hanji checked her watch and blanched.

"Ten o'clock," Mike helpfully supplied.

"…that's in five minutes," Levi said bluntly, a murderous gleam in his eyes. 

"I don't think any of us are drunk enough for this," Hanji moaned, jumping up from the couch and heading for Levi's kitchen. "Stiff drink or _stiff drink_?" she called to the boys.

" _Stiff drink_ ," they chorused in unison, Mike trying to convey how deeply sorry he was with a subtle frown in Levi's direction. 

Four minutes later, Hanji emerged with three Jagerbombs.

"That's the best you can do?!" squawked Levi. "I didn't even know I had any Jager…"

Just then, the doorbell rang.

"Bottoms up," said Mike, tipping his back in one gulp.

"Happy holidays," Hanji offered meekly, downing hers in two.

"Fuck _everyone_ ," snarled Levi, sliding his drink across the table and storming to the front door. He flung it wide open, wishing deeply in that moment that his door had a peephole so he could have prepared himself for the sight in front of him. 

Despite the weather being in the low twenties, a tall blond man was standing on Levi's doorstep wearing a sexy elf costume that left almost nothing to the imagination.

"Well, what a Merry Christmas it is indeed," the man cooed, muscles flexing as he casually leaned against the doorframe. "You must be the man of the house."

"Unfortunately," Levi groaned, any pretense of manners flying out into the cold winter air. "Come in, I guess, don't want to have to pay your medical bills from you freezing in whatever that getup is supposed to be."

"Don't mind if I do," said the oversized elf, sliding over the threshold with more grace than a man his size should have possessed. Levi shut the door with a sigh. At the very least he could use the experience as a bargaining chip in the future for a couple free bottles of wine and some satisfying guilt-tripping.

Was it really fair that this guy's ass had to look so _good_ in shiny green briefs?

"Good to see you've got company," the man said, taking in Hanji and Mike's sheepish figures with a disarming grin. "Nothing worse than spending the holidays alone."

"Think I would have been just fine without their meddling, thanks..."

"The more the merrier, in any case," he continued, shooting Levi a seductive gaze from under his long lashes, which was immediately countered with a disinterested stare.

"I'll go put some music on!" yelped Hanji, jumping up from the couch and scurrying over to Levi's entertainment console. After a few muted swears and a suspicious bang, a slow cover of The Christmas Song filled the room, a tenor voice crooning from the stereo.

"James Taylor, we can work with that," said the man, quirking an eyebrow and smirking. "Now, why don't we get acquainted? What's your name?"

"Fuck off," Levi barked.

"Nice to meet you, fuck off, I'm Erwin," grinned Erwin, stepping up to Levi with a swing of his hips. "Let's get started, shall we?" He stopped just shy of the shorter man and thrust his hips subtly forward before working off his vest, the thin silky material pulling over his skin and highlighting his muscles. Levi rolled his eyes, trying not to concentrate too much on how well the toned physique suited him and instead insisting over and over that there was no possible way that a sexy elf costume could be a turn-on.

"We chose wisely, didn't we Mike?" Hanji cackled, perching on the arm of the other couch to watch the unfolding action with an ear-splitting grin.

Mike smirked, scooting to the edge of the couch cushions and propping his elbows on his knees. "I feel like I should make some popcorn."

"Popcorn and another round of drinks," she teased. "Shall we?" Mike nodded and followed her into the kitchen, throwing Erwin an exaggerated wink over his shoulder.

By now Erwin had rid himself of the vest and oversized belt and had begun working the straps of his suspenders slowly down his sculpted chest and arms, occasionally pausing to glance teasingly at Levi who was frozen to the back of the couch.

"You could stand to loosen up a little," said Erwin, stepping over the pile of clothing with one suspender strap off and one hanging off his shoulder.

"It's not every day I have a grown man dressed in a shiny elf costume invading my personal space," Levi said bluntly, eyes riveted on the discarded vest to avoid looking Erwin in the face.

"Why don't you take a seat, we're just warming up," Erwin smiled as he put a large hand to Levi's chest and gently tipped him over the edge of the couch where Levi fell with a yelp onto the brown cushions.

"Not really a big fan of the touching," Levi groaned, righting himself and running a hand through his mussed hair.

"I might be able to fix that," Erwin grinned seductively, walking around to the front of the couch and bending over to scoot the coffee table back a few inches, earning a shocked growl from Levi – as much at the sizable bulge in his pants as from the blatant displacement of his furniture. He propped one leg on the table and slowly began peeling down his thigh-high striped stockings, exposing the taut leg muscles that lay beneath. Levi dimly noted that the soundtrack had switched to a softly acoustic version of "Baby, It's Cold Outside", which was horribly ironic considering the situation. Erwin had begun to hum under his breath as he worked, his pleasant baritone blending harmoniously with the other voices.

"Like what you're seeing?" he tried, wiggling his thick eyebrows.

"You wish," said Levi, crossing his arms over his chest defensively and trying to ignore the heat pooling in his stomach.

Erwin slid the stocking off his leg with a drawn-out sigh, turning around and placing his right leg on the table to repeat the process and bending over just enough to give Levi the best possible view of his shiny, spandex-clad ass flexing promisingly underneath the fabric.

A flush was beginning to rise up Levi's chest and neck, and he was determined to blame it on the fire in the fireplace that was on its last legs, the dark red flames lapping up the last of the wood with small tongues. He tugged at his collar, clearing his throat and firmly wishing he was anywhere but here.

By now Erwin had divested himself of the other stocking and was making a show of stretching, the muscles on his back bunching and rippling with each minute movement. He glanced over his shoulder, crinkled lines around his eyes.

"Are you ready for me now?" he murmured, azure irises quickly getting swallowed by dark pupils. Levi swallowed, not trusting himself to make any coherent noises. Any semblance of control he had evaporated when Erwin perched delicately in his lap, gyrating his hips in small circles. Levi couldn't stop the flood of color onto his cheeks and the tips of his ears as Erwin moved, his small fingers gripping the couch cushions until his knuckles turned white, nor could he prevent a small gasp when his head was pinned between Erwin's strong arms.

"You're driving me wild," Erwin rumbled, blue eyes locked with Levi's shuddering greys. "I want to get to know every inch of your skin – your arms, your legs, your lips…" He trailed off, arms sliding their way down Levi's front and teasing and caressing the skin in their path. Large hands slid to Levi's sides, lengthy elegant fingers drawing slow paths upward before moving down Levi's arms. The smaller man was overcome by the gesture, his head tipping backwards to meet the couch and eyes fluttering shut. Erwin drew a finger up the side of his neck, curling in delicate spirals, before tracing the shell of his ear. He blew lightly over the skin, coaxing a shudder from the man beneath him. Without intending to and before he had processed the action, a small moan slipped loose from Levi's throat, the noise shockingly loud over the ambient hiss of the finished CD. Levi froze immediately, eyes widening in shock. Erwin stilled his movements, smiling kindly at Levi's mortified expression.

"Sorry if I'm moving too fast," he said, fingers gently brushing over the exposed sliver of Levi's collarbone. 

"Shut up," Levi rasped, trying and failing to repress the lust in his eyes.

Erwin laughed quietly, the sound warming Levi more than the roaring fire ever had.

"Do you want me to stop?" he asked, cocking his head to one side. "I know your friends put you up to this, and I don't want to push you further than you want to go."

Levi picked his head up from the seat back, mouth twisting into a pout as he weighed his options.

"No," he growled, meeting Erwin's eyes. "No, I don't think I do."

"Can I kiss you?" said Erwin, a surprising degree of tenderness lacing his smooth voice. The words were barely out of his mouth when Levi grabbed his face and hauled him down for a deep kiss, groaning when the other man's mouth met his own. Levi thought Erwin would kiss like he talked — teasing, with no real substance — but the man easily kept up with him, tongue and teeth clashing to meet Levi's frantic pace. Levi reached up to bury a hand in Erwin's hair, tugging him closer and giving him more control over the angle, while the other wrapped around his waist, blunt nails just shy of digging into the small of his back.

They broke apart many minutes later, flushed and panting. Levi gazed up at Erwin like he was exactly the Christmas present he had been hoping for all year.

"I hate to cut this short, but this is as far as we go," Erwin said, glancing at the clock behind them with a frown in his eyes. "We're out of time, and I have one more stop to make tonight."

"You have to go?" said Levi, the information slowly tumbling over in his head.

"For now," Erwin said, placing a chaste kiss on the smaller man's forehead, a small, genuine smile lighting up his stern features. He slid carefully off Levi's lap, gathering the discarded clothing items in a blue canvas bag Levi hadn't noticed he brought in.

"It was a pleasure," Erwin offered, leaning over the couch and meeting his dazed eyes.

"Levi," Levi piped up, belatedly realizing he had never given his name to the man.

"Levi," Erwin boomed, a twinkle in his eye. "Have a Merry Christmas and a happy birthday. I'm sure our paths will cross again." With that, he was gone, quiet as the falling snow.

Levi sat dumbstruck on the couch for several long minutes, softly touching his lips. In his stupor, he failed to notice Hanji and Mike had reentered the living room, glancing at him with concern in their eyes.

"Levi?" Hanji called softly.

"Yeah?"

"Levi, what did you _do_?"

Levi sat very still, eyes locked on the grate of the fireplace.

"What do you mean, what did I _do_?" he said after a beat.

"That guy stayed an extra half hour over what we paid him," Mike elaborated, frowning thoughtfully. "Isn't that against protocol or something?"

"As long as he doesn't expect us to cough up, I don't think it matters too much," Hanji sighed, leaning into Mike's side in what she hoped was a subtle gesture.

"You smell like a bar," Mike snorted, ruffling her hair lightly. "Levi, can I put her in one of the guest rooms?"

"Sure," Levi said, waving his hand dismissively. Mike trudged up the stairs, a tired Hanji hanging on his shoulder, and Levi was left alone with his thoughts.

"What time is is?" he groaned, hands fumbling through his pockets for his cell phone. The digital display read 12:13 — two hours and fifteen minutes after Erwin had arrived. Levi sighed deeply, letting his pent-up frustration ebb away into the cushions and the dying embers of the fire.

Just then, he noticed a stiff sensation on the left side of his chest. Confused, he lifted his hand to feel around the area. 

A small green card peeked cheekily out of his breast pocket. Levi snatched it with a glint in his eye, turning it over to find a phone number scrawled in red pen, a pair of holly leaves adorning the 0 at the end of the last four digits.

A merry Christmas and happy birthday, indeed.

**Author's Note:**

> My one life goal for this fic was to include James Taylor and I have succeeded. [Listen to it](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDQVmMVKE_w): it's a hard song to strip to, or really, to do anything remotely sexual with (which can't be said for [other things](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EyBCpAIk8Vo) by James Taylor, not in the least…)
> 
> In other news, I cannot write in-home hired strippers to save my life. Thankfully, Erwin isn't your standard stripper.
> 
> I can't believe I just wrote that sentence.


End file.
